Found a hookah with all the accessories + tobacco in a free pile! :D
summer work at wilson: catering a staff and faculty party for 9 hours until your feet are burning because they hurt so bad from not getting to sit down, and your advisor didn’t even come, but it’s okay because it was pretty fun anyway and you got free bananas out of the experience.
summer work at wilson: smoking lavender and pot cigarettes while you wait for paint to dry.
spend a solid portion of the day wandering through waist-high grass in rainboots. then i cleaned the goddamn kitchen and it took two hours thanks to irresponsible college humans who don’t do dishes ever, but i was listening to jazz so i guess it’s okay.
working 13 hours tomorrow on paint crew and catering the staff and faculty party. should be very interesting, by which i mean i really hope i witness some drunk professors.
Conflict of motivation:
So yesterday was the honors and awards ceremony, and I was fortunate enough to receive a service and peace scholarship. The dean of service (who is one of my supervisors) read a speech about me and everything. This was interesting because earlier in the day, my coworkers and I ran the senior service awards ceremony and read the speeches we had written for those who had received awards. We were talking about how we hope we get senior service awards when we graduate. I mean, it just seems cool to have a speech written about you.
But something started to feel off. I remembered how in Educational Psychology we were discussing behaviorism as well as internal and external motivation. And how, actually, if someone is internally motivated to accomplish something, giving them rewards for it can actually make them less motivated. For example: a talented musician is offered a record deal, but now has to write their music within the parameters their record label defines, and consequently loses their creativity and inspiration. It becomes about pleasing other people when they were satisfied just writing music.
I just don’t want any of my service to be that. It’s even part of the INFJ personality type; if we’re fighting for a cause, it’s because we truly believe in that cause - it’s not about benefiting ourselves. Everything I love about serving children is lost if the benefit is going to myself and not to them. It totally defeats the purpose.
I’ve just been thinking that good people don’t walk around thinking that they’re good people. They’re thinking of needs that need to be met. I just want to be authentic and organic and do things because they need to be done and because I enjoy them. Recognition for doing things that you like to do is weird. Fortunately, the scholarship aspect is going to enable me to keep doing these things.